A Focus on My Perceptions

How can it be?

Just after a few moments of intimacy,

I am clearly smitten.

We are just friends now,

But my heart won’t let go. 

My heart is holding onto the rose,

with all its prickly thorns. 

Rise Up, Motherfucker

Rise up and fight

What’s stopping you?

Days after days, you complained

You complained your life is stuck

It’s boring and controlled by society

Well, do something about it

Stand up and fight

Say “FUCK YOU” to your oppressors

And go where you passion is driving you

Stop being a stinkin’ sheep

And don’t give a shit

Don’t go seeking for validation

They don’t give you any benefits

Crippling you is the only good

You need to be your own person

So, rise up and stand up

Don’t be a fucking pushover anymore

Your morals, your ideas, and your beliefs

Fight for them with all your might

Because no one else will

Internalized Oppression

Internalized Oppression: The opposite of externalized oppression. External oppression is the unjust exercise of authority and power by one group over another. It includes imposing one group’s belief system, values and life ways over another group. External oppression becomes internalized oppression when we come to believe and act as if the oppressor’s beliefs system, values, and life way is reality. “Self-hate” and “internalized racism” are other ways of saying internalized oppression. The result of internalized oppression is shame and the disowning of our individual and cultural reality.

I like guys. I always have. However, my dating track wasn’t all that much until a couple years ago, and I have always dated guys.

However, I like girls as well. I just never actually accepted that part of me. Not really.

Growing up in a traditional Catholic Vietnamese household, anything out of the heteronormative culture is considered to be taboo and I rarely hear anything positive by being gay. In fact, I remember this skit from a popular Vietnamese show that my family would mock guys that were in drag. But I digress.

Then I started to find attraction in high school. It was weird to find a hot female teacher more attractive than my-then-“boyfriend”. High school was just weird place for me with depression, teenage angst, and shame. It was not really a good place to start, so fast forwarding a couple of years.

My first kiss with a girl was in the summer of 2011. She was in the security department of Great America, and she had a great body. It was quite the fling, and I was so ashamed of it afterwards. Years of my family and religion told me that it was wrong. She never liked me anyways.

I am not that great of a flirt, even with guys. With girls, it was like fishing without the bait. I wanted girls to like me, however with my-oh-so-awkward and fumbling style of asking a girl out, I felt retarded and spiteful of myself. This doesn’t feel right. This isn’t possible, so why try?

There was a young Catholic priest that I looked up to very much. His homilies always left me with hope and inspiration in God and in the Church. I got to talk to him and seek condolence that I found attraction towards women. He told me that as long as I don’t act upon my feelings, everything will be okay. I felt so lost and betrayed. Isn’t God suppose to be all-loving? He was probably right anyways, no one wanted me.

I found the kink community. Now this was a community that was open to all style of relationships. People that were accepting of all sexual orientations and styles. Things would be better, right? I kissed a couple girls, but that doesn’t mean anything right? It’s just not for me, this liking girls thing.

Then why is there this burning desire to be with a girl. Just one. Why!?!

Recently I have found the courage to tell a girl that I like her. I said that I wanted to kiss her really, but I know deep down that I had that tingle of attraction ever since I known her. And I got something beyond my wildest dreams.

A kiss. Many of them. And no, she doesn’t like me back, but she given me so much more. She didn’t push me away even after I exposed this sick side of myself. She helped me accept myself. She accepted all that I am, and I didn’t feel so sicken by myself anymore.

Self hate is a powerful thing. If I cave into it, I feel shame, depression, regret, and even suicidal. But I can’t let that happen, not anymore.

I still have a long ways to go, but I am filled with hope and passion to love myself.

Failure to try results in anxiety. It’s the self shaming that will lead to a vicious cycle. GET OUT OF IT!

Genuine Friendships

If you are really my friend, I need to have this.

• Greet me as if no time has pass by from the last time we met, either it has been a day, a month, or a year(s).
• We engage in conversations because we enjoy each other, and not because of conversation’s stake.
• We make each other better. Nothing toxic or anxiety driven.
• Having each other back. Mostly when either if us is distress over current situations.
• A solid friendship is a rarity. When I know that you can help me bury a rampant ex-boyfriend, I won’t take you for granted.